When my friend and fellow ministry leader, Dave, passed away unexpectedly (and far too early), I made a vow. I have come to understand that vows can be used for protection against harm and also be good and hold a loyal oath. My vow was the latter. At Dave’s memorial, I remember hearing a handful of eulogies from his friends and teammates, which held kindness laced with some nuggets of truth about how David’s personality was both delightful and pushed limits sometimes. As I took in the words, I wondered if these words were ever shared directly with him and, if not, how they could have been words of transformation and empowerment. I left the funeral that day captivated and marinating about the risk of telling the truth to those around me.
It was on this same day that I made a vow with God to always seek to tell the truth when I see something lovely or sense goodness in another soul.
I have kept this vow, and it shows up in the most beautiful and wild moments. I remember the first time I acted on my vow following Dave’s funeral. I was passing a stranger in the elevator, and I had the thought, “Wow, her curls are looking amazing today.” Of course, I waited until the last second when the elevator door was about to shut to save myself from the awkwardness of standing next to her as the elevator slowly moved from one floor to the next. She smiled, but not just a typical smile; instead, her smile allowed her face to light up and beam.
I walked away knowing that I was practicing something good.
There have been other moments when I’ve taken a liking to someone’s outfit and commented on how lovely the ensemble looked, and again, I have received a sweet smile in return. The comments are those that pop into my head; I don’t set out each day trying to come up with kind words to offer people. They are just the spur-of-the-moment thoughts that start inside and end up flowing out of my mouth. To be honest, since starting this practice years ago, it has gotten so much easier and become second nature. I don’t hesitate on how to say it, or even allow myself to think of “what ifs” since these don’t matter. It’s a simple comment, and with it, I carry the wonder of how that one little comment could impact their day or life.
Words hold importance, which is something I learned from one of my wise sages, Carolyn. She celebrated her 70th birthday a couple of years ago, and she insisted that people come to a big party and share their words of love and honor with her in real time rather than at her funeral. I witnessed such admiration for this classy and confident woman. It really begs the question, why do we wait until funerals to speak the truth? What if the words that are shared at the funeral were filled with such gold that it would have impacted the person to live fuller while they were still living? What if the words could have shaped the way they viewed themselves or nudged them to live into their dreams? What if the words could have helped them know the glory and goodness they brought to the world?
My invitation to you, next time you think of something lovely and kind about someone—a stranger or friend—please share with him or her. Risk it. You really have nothing to lose, and the gain is one that can have an impact far beyond what you can imagine. Share the goodness by using your voice, grabbing an envelope and stamp, sending a virtual note to someone’s inbox, or use your two thumbs to send that text. Don’t hold back; your words really do matter.
Sandhya Oaks is a ministry leader, spiritual director, writer, and speaker. She is fiercely committed to inviting people to curiosity and possibility through hosting Kintsugi Story Workshops and Story Retreats. She is one who brings light to dark places and invites others to courageously do the same. She is a Transracial Adoptee with Pakistani and Indian roots, and her joys include traveling, gathering around the table, and water sports. You can find more of her good work at Sandhyaoaks.com.
Sandhya, I started practicing “a compliment a day” many years ago. As the years have passed, I have become more aware of my impulses to compliment and gotten more comfortable acting on those impulses. I figure that saying positive things to others adds kindness to the world.
This is a beautiful exhortation to us all, Sandhya. My parents have always been excellent at speaking timely and specific encouragement, and it has shaped me in ways I don’t think I ever realized. Extending this gift to others—even and especially to those who may feel a bit harder to love at times—is a life-giving exercise for both parties. Thank you for honoring Dave’s life in this way.